For Loving Someone whose love was conditional

For my friends who loved unconditionally men whose love are conditional:

Our lovelife has many elements. In making a love counts, a Filipino woman called Pinay will go for the whole deal. Even in building a relationship, a Pinay will give her one hundred per cent. Only when she feels that she cannot give more, that she has given everything and not one breath more, will she ask what is she receiving ? But then there is the paradox, we dream of becoming whole with another person. We wish for a love that sustains us, for the joy of being loved unconditionally.

So what happens when we do not get unconditional love? When someone breaks love into transactional units, each affection traded for a bigger sacrifice? Do we then become smarter and calculate what love can negotiate ?

Pinays have a wide and deep kalooban. The kalooban defines our self-perception, the core of our being. We fill this kalooban with breath, with ginhawa, with the energy that keeps growing with various human endeavours.

When our kalooban feels heavy,tight and unbearable,we explode into pieces. The crisis of severing ties, of divorcing is one situation where a Pinay needs to regain her personhood. This crisis magnifies how she became whole and divided – the paradox of loving and not loving herself. There is the deep pain of never having been loved unconditionally. Then one’s life  after the loving ends decomposes. a woman feels lost and her own love  dries up.

How to move into another whole? The sense of being One, the sense of being an AKO , I, is achieved in many ways, and time is just a platform. The hard part is forgiving oneself for having drained one’s kalooban, inner self, for letting it dry up, for not reaching out to many others who stood by her. The best part is making the lessons greater than the sacrifice and moving out of the sense of being small, broken up. Pagbubuo , rebuilding one’s whole self, becomes a gift to oneself. Buo and matibay, whole and strong like the bamboo. wholeness is created when one lives again, building a self by loving. searching for someone to love begins but this time, the Loob is Buo. “i am complete, i can love another.”

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